All Women's Chalice

A radical shift in consciousness happened instantaneously the moment I arrived at 3472 Sunshine Canyon Drive, home of The Star House spiritual retreat center in Boulder, CO. Like a scene in a Castaneda novel where Carlos receives a smack in the back between the shoulder blades which propelled him into a new dimension, I had landed in another reality.

The immediate impression upon arrival at The Star House is one of expansion. Having just driven through the canyon, the landscape suddenly morphed from rows of protective pines to open hills and grasslands. At the top of the hill, gazing down through the valley to Boulder below, one is able to breathe long, luxuriating breaths, inhaling pine, sage, and lavender, while exhaling any and all mundane concerns. The meadow, the clearing, was a mirror of the cleansing and clarity I was about to receive via a weekend at the “All Women’s Chalice” PCA (Path of the Ceremonial Arts) intensive.

The way I became aware of The Star House is an interesting story in and of itself. Having spent twenty years in the theater, steeped in the language of myth and story, my personal research over the last few years has led me to Joseph Campbell’s work: ancient myths and their heroes/heroines; and Carl Jung and his archetypes and dreamwork. Not a believer in any particular organized religion, Mary Magdalene has recently become an object of my attention. My intuition led me to The Gospel of Mary Magdalene by Jean-Yves Leloup, translated from French by Joseph Rowe. The introduction was written by David Tresemer and Laura-Lea Cannon. In it, they mention their play, “My Magdalene.” Instantly, I knew that this is exactly what I have been looking for: modern Theater with all of the original spiritual/ritual significance. Searching for David Tresemer and the play on Yahoo! led me to Lila’s e-mail at The Star House. I asked her if I could read the play. She responded by e-mailing a copy - no charge, no questions asked. Lila asked if I wanted to come to the Star House retreat. I jumped at the chance! Not only was it the synchronicity of thought that lured me, but I was at a crossroads in my life and I knew that I would not be able to move forward in a new direction until I stopped what I was doing, stepped off the treadmill, and took a much needed detour. The weekend intensive did not magically solve all my issues; however, it has provided a jumping-off point, a new focus, a new beginning on “the road less traveled.”

Drawing from the rituals of many ancient paths: Native American, Celtic, etc., the weekend was a kaleidoscope of feminine ways of thinking. We began the weekend in the Kiva: the womb ( portal from one reality into another) of mother earth, a cave, dark and dank; then the symbolic blindfold – the veil between the worlds; next an ascension up a ladder blindfolded; then emerging from the opening in to another portal – that of your own heart - to listen for a deeply individual message. From within I received this message: “Love yourself as you would a beloved. Instead of searching for a beloved, become the beloved.” As each woman received her own message, she shared it with the group, and lit her candle of intention.

Receiving messages through various “mediums” was a definite through-line for the weekend. Water is an effective information transmitter, and at the Celtic well, under the stars: I felt an urge to weep: water, emotions, the moon, the tides, the flow, cleansing, purifying, releasing. Release pain and fear of the past, release distrust, release some of my hermetic privacy so that I may share insights I have gathered on my journey.”

That first evening, we were encouraged to remember our dreams. I dreamt flashes, images: a path through the woods and a wolf.

According to www.birdclan.org/wolf.html: “Wolf is the pathfinder (emphasis added), the forerunner of new ideas who returns to the clan to teach and share medicine. If you were to keep company with Wolves, you would find an enormous sense of family within the pack, as well as a strong individualistic urge, and they live by carefully defined rules and rituals. They are friendly, social, and highly intelligent. Wolves are the epitome of the wild spirit. As you feel Wolf coming alive within you, you may wish to share your knowledge by writing or lecturing on information that will help others better understand their uniqueness or path in life.”
Hmmmm.

The next day, in a visualization guided by Laura-Lea, we were invited to ‘go underground’ to explore secret rooms to find out who we are meant to be in the physical, emotional, and mythic realms. I received images of myself as an alchemist, recording my “findings” based on my life’s experimentations and explorations. I also envisioned a shaman who helps others to learn how to navigate between realities or levels of consciousness. I learned that my voice is the breath, the wind that spreads the seeds of higher consciousness by writing and performing articles, plays, poetry, and songs. I wonder if my biological mother and father ever knew that when they named me Kathryn Gayle, they named me aptly. Kathryn means “purity,” and my middle name, Gayle, means “the singer.” I had always put the two together to mean “the pure singer.”


In the afternoon, the “priestesses” (the other participants and myself) invoked the spirit of each of the four-directions (a Native American tradition.) Initially, I chastised myself for not being able to remember the symbolism of any of the directions, except the North. While facing North, I received his incredible visual of skeletons dancing ecstatically around a campfire at night. As it turns out, the “North” represents bones,
stones, caves, our ancestors. It occurred to me that my ancestors were calling to me.

During another visualization, acting as a scribe for someone else’s meditation, it seemed that many of this participant’s thoughts were similar to my thoughts, and it struck me as she talked about her grandmother, that my grandmother just might be using her to “speak” to me. I don’t even know if I actually believe that this is possible, but the thought struck me in the moment, and as we say in the theater, I “went with it.” This was a
watershed moment, highly significant to me due to the fact that I spent my formative years as a foster child and did not know much about my biological family or their history. Named after my paternal grandmother, Kate O’Shaughnessy, I believe she fled Ireland to escape the potato famine induced by the British, but other than that, I have known nothing solid other than the fact that my family had become splintered and lost to each other. (Ok, so now grandma is calling me, but what does she want?)

On the final morning of the retreat, my sister-goddesses and I entered the Kiva as we had every morning, but this morning I had the sensation that my ankles were being attacked! I scratched them all through the ceremony until they bled. Entering The Star House, I mentioned this oddity to another participant who said, “The ankles have to do with indifference.” OK, so what am I indifferent about? It became clear that I had not previously had any interest in finding out who my grandmother was, this woman whom I was named for. Ashamed of my humble upbringing, I preferred that people saw me as the “dynamic actress,” the free-spirited bohemian, etc. It occurred to me that this thinking has deprived me of possibly the greatest treasure of my life.

I wasn’t seeking treasure when I signed up for this intensive, but that is ultimately what I found. In the piney-wood grove, later that day, leaning against a very old tree, perhaps a “grandmother” itself, I heard: “you have no roots, and you will not grow until you get some.” Suddenly, I had it! It was as if a slew of psychic ingredients had been bubbling in a cauldron, and finally I had the answer! Everything made sense at once. I thought of all the seashells I had seen in the past few weeks. The shells had been a clue, and now I know what they meant. I am to embark on a journey overseas, to the land of my ancestors: Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. I will discover my grandmother’s story, and in doing so, learn my own story and meet the family I never knew. I will write her story and share it with the world so that someone else may see themselves within our story and be inspired to go on a journey, a spiritual Odyssey, with the intention of creating wholeness within. Like concentric circles that flow outward when a pebble is tossed into a pond, it is my hope that my individual, transformation will reverberate in the larger world. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama said: “Although attempting to bring about world peace through internal transformation of individuals is difficult, it is the only way.”

By Kathryn Preston