Tree Spirit

There was a major blizzard a couple of days ago, and many trees, branches, and power lines are down.

Today, a fallen tree lay across my path, and as I bent down to inspect it, I touched the tree in empathy because it had been broken and torn down … and I swear these words popped into my head instantly … “I’m not broken. My spirit has been freed. The same is happening for you … you’ll see.”

Druids/Paradigm Shift

Has anyone ever read a theory that says that some of the Druids at Iona Scotland actually became Christian priests in an attempt to save themselves and the old spiritual ways as much as they could by "hiding or embedding" mystical information, and themselves, within Christianity? This fascinates me.

Recently I read "Confessions of a Pagan Nun" by Kate Horsley, and I am stunned and intrigued, and yearning to go deeper!

That very moment in time, in history, where a person (in this case, a DRUID) has to make the choice to join, or become one with the very thing (institution, religion, system) that seems to be persecuting, slaughtering, ANNIHILATING his whole way of life, his whole reality, his whole belief system, in order to survive, to stay alive, all while simultaneously surrendering to "what is," to accept that the old reality, order, paradigm, or the very ground beneath you is crumbling.

What would that person have done in order to ensure not only one's own survival, but the survival of the knoanyone and ways of the Old Religion ... to ensure that All continues to evolve spiritually?

I wish there were diaries available from that time period of the Druids so that we could know exactly what was going on in the hearts and minds of the Druids as they saw the inevitability of what was coming.
I wish we could know how they prepared themselves, how they adapted, for such a megalithic change/paradigm shift ... sort of like the Native Americans who saw the "White Man" coming. Sort of like where we are today in terms of the annihilation of Nature, the very thing that sustains us.

Does anyone know of such journals?

I feel that if I could somehow know the thoughts of our forebears, know their feelings, know how they dealt with things, how they planned, how they prepared ... then perhaps I could better navigate the Death/Rebirth cycle happening currently in my life and in the larger world.

Proof of the Soul? Gregg Braden and The New Physics

Gregg Braden and "the new physics"
states that when you start getting into the world of subatomic particles,
Newtonian physics no longer applies.
When observing atomic particles, the observer’s focus EFFECTS that which he is attempting to observe.

The observer effect:
In Quantum Theory there is a notion that there IS no phenomenon until it is observed. This effect is known as the 'Observer Effect'. If this is true, it means that before anything can manifest in the physical universe it must first be observed. The observation cannot occur without the pre-existence of some sort of consciousness, or awareness, to do the observing.
This implies that the physical Universe is the direct result of our consciousness or awareness.
Woah.
This is often referred to as The Copenhagen Interpretation:
This interpretation is based on the work of physicist Niels Bohr and Wernes Heisenberg in 1927 at the Theoretical Physics in Copenhagen, Denmark. In other words they believed that the universe with all its atoms and electrons exists as an infinite number of overlapping possibilites. That there is no exact location of it since it can be in an infinite number of possible locations. It is not until someone observes it that the location is locked and it manifests itself.

Therefore: I believe that as soon as you earnestly start looking for proof of the soul, you create it.
Capice?

Tracy Chapman: Would You Change?

Tracy Chapman: Would You Change?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FodfkqfJrhQ
Tracy Chapman, Would You Change?
Lyrics:

If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

Singing Spirit

Prompt from Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology: For Gemini: "What do you think is the most pressing communiqué your future self is currently beaming your way?"
It's funny , but I once attempted to write a play about this very concept - my future wise-woman self (in the form of Baba Yaga) having a dialogue with my present self.

Although my external circumstances might seem bleak or extreme to some at the moment, I see that I am being nurtured and provided for in a way that is allowing me to go deeper into Spirit. I'm not studying formally with any institution of higher learning or even with a mystery school, but I am ravenously devouring all the books I can get my hands on regarding Gnosticism, the true origins of Christianity, Helena Blavatsky and the Theosophical Society, etc, etc. I want to know the real meaning, the real substance, behind the ritual forms - on all levels. And my future self wants me to get back to Singing (particularly songs of love). Just found out via C.W. LEADBEATER'S "Christian Gnosis" that the word "person" means: per - "through," sona - "sound." Cool. Digging into this business about "the Logos," rather than "God," is a bit confusing and rather reads like science fiction, but is fascinating nonetheless. Deeper study is required. Ciao for now!

So, Brad Meltzer or History.com: hire me to be your Symbologist -- and you'll get a whole different story!!!

Over the holidays, I've had a chance to catch some of the programming on the History channel. What is up with the latest trend in all their programming? Their theory is that all the wisdom from ancient mystery schools was given to humanity by "extra terrestrials or aliens." I hear this, and think: maybe they mean "multidimensional beings" -- which are not really the same as "aliens." And when they show Viking burial sites that have rocks surrounding the mound in the shape of a "boat," I don't see a "boat." I see the symbol for the Vesica Piscis. The Vesica can be found in in doors and windows in Churches, Mosques, Pagodas, Tabernacle's and Temples world wide. Check it out. They should pepper their programming with experts on Sacred Geometry.
Also,on Brad Meltzer's Decoded, they discussed Da Vinci and made a (brief) reference to a drawing, or invention, of his that is a tetrahedron, and as I watched I thought: "oh, the Merkaba." But they didn't discuss that. I first learned of the Merkaba through Drunvalo Melchizedek (on You Tube). Now, THAT is some interesting programming!

There was a lot of speculation about the Mona Lisa and the water in his painting, and they postulated that the painting was possibly a self-portrait. So, while they were thinking that Da Vinci was a cross-dresser, I'm thinking that yes, he was leading us to his "feminine side," or what we commonly refer to as Intuitive, receptive ways of knowing, or the Feminine Divine. Their interpretation was that Da Vinci was warning us of a cataclysmic flood, end of the world type stuff. Using my Intutive faculties, my interpretation is even more esoteric: Da Vinci is possibly warning us about the consequences of not being able to tame our emotions and our more base desires. Water = emotions (and the subconscious) in the world of symbolism. Water, the seas, etc. can be dark and mysterious. If we are UNAWARE of what is lurking in the waters of our unconscious selves, these primal forces can cause great storms in our lives, individually and collectively, or if we choose to "see" what is down there in the murky depths (instead of denying it), we can work with it, deal with it, face it, and have something nurturing and sustainable come from what may have once seemed impending doom or calamity. The world (starting with myself) needs to start looking more at its own Shadow side, rather than projecting our worst fears and anger (and other bullcocky) onto others. The roots of environmental devastation are a result of the fact that collectively, humanity is afraid to look at its Shadow side. Changing the INDIVIDUAL Self is changing the world ... one by one. Ghandi knew what he was talking about: "Be the Change." (But, that's just my opinion.)

So, Brad Meltzer or History.com: hire me to be your Symbologist -- and you'll get a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY!!!

Druidry, Merlin, Pendragon

Another interesting synchronicity is starting to happen surrounding the name 'Pendragon.' Now, this may be nothing new to some of you , but it's all new to me, so bear with 'the novice' for amoment.

Last winter I was in a quaint little town that time forgot in the Adirondacks, a town where there was a local theater called "Pengragon."

I had no idea at all, at that time, what the name meant or that it connected in any way with Druidry, Merlin, Arthur, etc.

This past summer and fall, as I pursued my research regarding Druids, I find that Arthur's father was named Uther Pendragon, and the word 'Pen' literally means "head" (of the dragon). Whenever I watch a movie about "Arthur," I cry -- with a longing, and an inexplicable yearning (not 'romantic' ... I don't have the hots for Clive Owen,... well, alright maybe a wee bit of a crush ("King Arthur" 2004.) ... the sense of loyalty and commitment to a higher cause, the nobility of principles, willingness to risk EVERYTHING for something larger than ourselves ... it awakens something in me.)

Merlin has been a huge symbol for me for years, and the more I read different interpretations re Merlin and Druids, the deeper and more rounded they are becoming -- he is less and less an archetype, and more and more REAL with each passing day. In fact, I just met a real live Druid who graduated from the order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids in Britain. (A sort of real-life hogwarts).

Perhaps -- now is the time to go deeper, to stop dancing around the perimeter of Druidry, and "enter the circle," so to speak.

Spirit Cave - a monologue

I believe in Magic -- not the Hogwarts kind -- but the kind that sees a tree spring from a seed, a fetus emerge from a womb, OR -- Spirit ENTER a womb.

I am Spirit and I am spiraling, flying through crystalline tunnels in the Earth, heading toward the Cave of Creation -- to the place where we are all born and Re-born.

The most magical of places is the Cave, Kiva, the Womb of Mother Earth, the Womb of Woman.

It is a place of entering in, a portal for Spirit, a Sanctuary, a place of inner transformation -- where I gestate and incubate my destiny, deep within the mystery, and DREAM a life in to being.

My womb is a Gnostic Mystic, like Mary Magdalene, a Priestess of deepest knowing, a CHALICE for radical shifts in transformation. My womb is a Universe unto itself, and navigating the cavernous places of my being is like journeying in deep space.

My womb is ALIVE, FERTILE, ABUNDANT!!! and it vibrates like a Tibetan Singing Bowl, harmonizing itself into the Mystery of Me.

Piper Methysticum (Mystical Poetry)

Piper Methysticum
by Kathryn Preston





Archetypal lovers
come and go
ebb and flow
like lava on the move
glowing crimson
volcanic
voluptuous
dark and daring,
inviting
Concubitia
to propitiate the gods
in ritual passion,
activating the mystical umbilical,
a secret passageway
connecting past and present,
uniting opposites,
in ecstatic eruptions
and solar distortions
in a 3-D world
simultaneously
going global
and collapsing,
unmasking
economics and
plate tectonics,
paradigm shifts breeding
chaotic dynamics,
jazzy fusions of duality:
Nietzschean and Anarchist
Ubermalcontents and Bolshevists,
dandies and dykes,
poets and propagandists.
Where do I fit?
How to be
fundamentally me
and put my love into action -
that is the question.

Freedom to choose

when our world has gone beyond the current turmoil and chaos of change, I want to see the whole world existing in a reality where each person has the freedom to choose exactly what his/her own version of paradise would be, and to have ...the means/resources to follow that bliss. AND IF SOMEONE TRIES that reality and finds it not to his liking, then by all means, he should be able to experiment, improvise, and tweak reality until he/she finds her true bliss.
Amen brothas and sistas!

UNITY by Kathryn Preston

"Unity" by Kathryn Preston

There is an Irish band called, "Gaelic Storm Tree,"
and they have a song entitled, "Swimmin' in the Sea." A
partial lyric is "... the Earth is my home."
Since we are all born of this Earth, it is my belief that we
are all more the same than not. If you go back far enough in time ... eventually you will find that we all come from the same source.
The dividing lines
that we create in our loyalties, from sports teams to
political factions to extreme nationalism, are
illusions that keep us separate. It has long been a
dream of mine to live abroad, study different
cultures, and to generally feel "at home" in the
world, wherever I may go.
This dream is seriously being impeded by
corporate cronies' and their political policies.
However, I believe we are seeing the
beginning of the breakdown of corporate structures due to corruption backfiring.
Enron, BP and others are not only showing us our collective dark
side, but are also showing us how far our shift toward
materialism has taken us away from our collective soul.
The struggles in the external world are a direct reflection of the
struggle within each of us. I believe the world's
inhabitants are engaged in the archetypal story of the
prodigal son returning home.
The current era is
gearing all of us toward finding out who we really are,
which will create the path "home."

In the search for “who I am,” I have researched and experienced
tribal/indigenous spirituality and cultures, and have concluded
that my previous role as an actor in the theater was Shamanic in nature.
The Shaman essentially takes an inner experience and
performs it, with props, turning an internal
experience into an external experience for
participants and on-lookers. This creates a pathway
for collective healing and catharsis. This was the
thinking behind Greek theater. The Greeks
believed that catharsis was beneficial to all of
society and theater attendance was mandatory.
My time in the Theater was a starting point for inner
exploration. Infinitely interested in the
mysteries of the universe, questions of individual
purpose, and issues of healing, Acting was my
vehicle toward that end. Theater is more than an
intellectual excercise, more than entertaiment.
Theater is ritualization of the soul. As such, its
capacity for healing society's wounds and the aches in
our hearts is infinite. Acting and Improvisation lets us become so
intimate (with ourselves and the rest of humanity)
through empathy and exploration, that we begin
to understand others foibles, and thus, our own.
From this understanding, compassion is born.

As we
witness a world shaken by violence and trauma,
standing on the brink of seemingly never-ending war,
Compassion is crying out for release from
the shackles of our subconscious. As our awareness
becomes increasingly global, the values of understanding,
compassion, and tolerance are more and more in
demand. The demand will be supplied those whose vision
for our nation and our planet is life-affirming and
inclusive, rather than destructive and exclusionary.
Historically, in times of chaos, the Arts have
experienced a resurgence. It is my fervent belief that
a living, breathing Theater is needed now more than
ever.
Our planet is quite possibly in the throes of the
greatest cultural transformation, or paradigm shift,
ever known. If the U.S.’ mission is to
"light the way" to freedom, then the old ways of invasion, destruction,
occupation, and exploitation must begin to play a
minor role in this epic drama of ours. The U.S. must
be a true leader who commits to creating solutions
that benefit all.
The new, true leaders will be those who utilize
creativity,imagination, and compassion to create a new reality.
One of the ways that artists can serve at the
forefront of this revolution is by doing what we do
best. The roles actors play are Jung's archetypes of
the subconscious. The symbolic languauge of mythology and story
are the same thing our dreams our made of. The theater
and the actor serve as gateways for communication
between the conscious mind and the soul. The actor's
willingness to see others as a reflection of the self
creates a bridge between human beings. The actor's
ability to translate the myths of one culture to
another can create a bridge based upon the
commonalities that exist in the human consciousness.

Exploring and translating the myths of different
cultures allows us to understand what people believe
in and value. To that end, Impovisation may be an
increasingly effective tool for creating bridges between cultures.
Hearing others values,
and listening to why those values have been developed,
may lead us to discover that people we perceive as
being completely alien to us, actually have hearts
like ours that have been wounded, and they are trying
to protect themselves from further pain. I believe that
this common human story is the basis for most of the
agressive power-plays at every level of human
interaction in the world. Our deepest desires to
better our circumstances, to protect what is ours,
and to minimize pain for ourselves and our loved ones,
is a basic desire of people everywhere. Add to this
the possibility that we are all One, that everyone we
encounter is a reflection of some facet of ourselves, that our
"enemy" is actually our brother.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,"
makes a lot of sense if we actually believe that "the other,"
the stranger, the enemy,
is really a facet of ourselves being reflected back to us.
Previous experience as an actor has taught me to
imagine the very thoughts that lead a person to behave
as he does. It has crossed my mind that in creating
the actual thoughts of another person, I have actually become
(metaphorically or literally) that other person. Some
say this is insanity... or perhaps… it just might be UNITY.

I believe that if two people are capable
of unity, then a group of like-minded people are capable
of it, and it is my greatest hope that the
whole world will be capable of creating such empathy
that fear will no longer be commonplace because
we will know each other’s
thoughts and hearts just by reading the smiles on each
others’ faces. Then, all the prodigal sons and
daughters (like me)will have returned "home."

Child of Nature

When we last checked in with our protagonist, she was in Marble, CO at the Kiva contemplating the play “Our Town,” and the character Emily Gibbs asking, “Does anyone ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?” And she was sure that there were people who did. Thornton Wilder may have been one. Buddha, Jesus, the Dalai Lama, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, the avatars in India. She longed to be like them, to fully realize life and her soul’s true purpose.

Today, we find our beloved heroine standing in the middle of the North Star Nature Preserve near Aspen, crying. Elated and saddened at the same time, she feels so alive with the energy and beauty of natural-majesty all around her, yet feels her spirit being bludgeoned by this repetitious pattern of having to take meaningless jobs where she caters to people’s superficial egos and meaningless desires.

She is standing in the middle of Creation, at the edge of a pond, searching the protective peaks all around her, pleading with Jesus and all the ascended masters: "how do I create the reality that I want to live, the one where I am like Anne Labastille in Woodswoman, or like Drunvalo Melchizedek, who gave up mundane society and walked off Into The Wild to live in the mountains and forests? How do I get back to the Garden?”

Ever the rebel and freedom-fighter, she’s not even remotely interested in the never-never land reality of some glamorous second-home-playground to the rich and famous, but is soulfully and ardently enchanted with the thought of living in harmony with nature, in living simply, in living off the land, not taking any more than she needs, and enjoying the roses along the way -- like Henry David Thoreau. She knows in her heart she will be living her Truth when she is learning how to navigate wild terrain, living off the land, chopping her own firewood, because she never feels more alive than when engaged in a nurturing dialectic between Mother Nature and her own Wild Nature. How many times has she envied women who know all about herbs, berries, trees, and all the wild plants of the earth: which are edible? which are not? which are good for tinctures and medicinal uses? which make the best pies? To be able to read animal tracks and habits, to understand the cycles within cycles and seasons within seasons the way tribal peoples do. She has been longing for a teacher, a soul-mate, a miracle, a deus-ex-machina to appear and lead her to that cozy little log cabin in the woods that she yearns for. Not a log-home Mc Mansion, but a rustic one-room cabin, with a woodstove and enough room for herself and her fellow mischief-maker; a place of simplicity and clarity from which to learn the ancient ways.

She recalls days in childhood when she was taken to the woods to cut down trees for firewood, calling “Tim-berrrrr!” at the top of her lungs; the gorgeous scent of pine-soaked days making her ecstatic; days spent gathering sap in buckets to make syrup; days in the forest picking blueberries; endless hours spent traipsing through the woods following myriad paths, seeing miracle after miracle … these have been her happiest hours on Earth.

She hikes into the unknown with reckless abandon, exploring a new and mysterious path, and suddenly her "baby" shows up after been "on assignment." She grins as she slowly sizes him up while he approaches; he radiates warm sunshine, and she is ecstatic. He winks at her and says, "Hello, my Love. Did you miss me?"

Like her, he is a journalist/photographer: an imaginative Intuitive, a creative-writer, an visual/abstract thinker. He longs to live in a log cabin in the woods, where together they can pursue their love of writing, and their desire to photograph and be-one-with-nature, with full fervor. After sharing the trail and baring their souls over countless hours, he stops her dead in her tracks and tells her that she is his best friend and ally, and asks if she really wants to be free!?! And if she does, will she go with him and really do what they’ve been talking about doing? She doesn’t even hesitate. She smiles that secret smile. In her mind, they're already gone. They are already deep in the beautiful wilderness, miles from anywhere, building their dream homestead, and they are oh so blissfully happy.

Wanton Irish Faerie

I see people encased in fearful shells
living lives of tripping-tedium,
embedded in the ordinary.
Mine, however, is the vast, dark sky
and the spaces between the stars.
Unencumbered by riches or materialism:
Mine is the promise of Magic.

I see no reason to live
other than to be free.
Not caged by any loyalty
to political or national affiliations,
my life is only one facet of
a mystery much larger than
self or country.

Disappointments in love, loyalty, and trust
are merely a crucible
where in I crush the herbs of ego
into the fine dust of transformation,
creating the alchemical elixir of the Soul.

Now is the time to dance
naked and laughing and wild as a
wanton Irish faerie
in a jasmine sunbeam.

Flowing through the Unicorn's Horn

Angels sigh with dewy breath
the scent of jasmine
as I surrender to this quasi-death
and ritual resurrection.

As I lay me down to sleep
reality melts away,
and flames in my soul do leap
breathing into the cauldron of my womb.

Behind closed lids,
the third eye perceives
a milk-white light;
a swirling vortex.
A mini-galaxy
spirals out from between my brows,
flowing through the unicorn's horn,
tunneling through time and space.

Eventually my pure essence emerges,
straddling a comet of quartz,
amplifying my desire to see
through the eyes of divinity.

All Women's Chalice

A radical shift in consciousness happened instantaneously the moment I arrived at 3472 Sunshine Canyon Drive, home of The Star House spiritual retreat center in Boulder, CO. Like a scene in a Castaneda novel where Carlos receives a smack in the back between the shoulder blades which propelled him into a new dimension, I had landed in another reality.

The immediate impression upon arrival at The Star House is one of expansion. Having just driven through the canyon, the landscape suddenly morphed from rows of protective pines to open hills and grasslands. At the top of the hill, gazing down through the valley to Boulder below, one is able to breathe long, luxuriating breaths, inhaling pine, sage, and lavender, while exhaling any and all mundane concerns. The meadow, the clearing, was a mirror of the cleansing and clarity I was about to receive via a weekend at the “All Women’s Chalice” PCA (Path of the Ceremonial Arts) intensive.

The way I became aware of The Star House is an interesting story in and of itself. Having spent twenty years in the theater, steeped in the language of myth and story, my personal research over the last few years has led me to Joseph Campbell’s work: ancient myths and their heroes/heroines; and Carl Jung and his archetypes and dreamwork. Not a believer in any particular organized religion, Mary Magdalene has recently become an object of my attention. My intuition led me to The Gospel of Mary Magdalene by Jean-Yves Leloup, translated from French by Joseph Rowe. The introduction was written by David Tresemer and Laura-Lea Cannon. In it, they mention their play, “My Magdalene.” Instantly, I knew that this is exactly what I have been looking for: modern Theater with all of the original spiritual/ritual significance. Searching for David Tresemer and the play on Yahoo! led me to Lila’s e-mail at The Star House. I asked her if I could read the play. She responded by e-mailing a copy - no charge, no questions asked. Lila asked if I wanted to come to the Star House retreat. I jumped at the chance! Not only was it the synchronicity of thought that lured me, but I was at a crossroads in my life and I knew that I would not be able to move forward in a new direction until I stopped what I was doing, stepped off the treadmill, and took a much needed detour. The weekend intensive did not magically solve all my issues; however, it has provided a jumping-off point, a new focus, a new beginning on “the road less traveled.”

Drawing from the rituals of many ancient paths: Native American, Celtic, etc., the weekend was a kaleidoscope of feminine ways of thinking. We began the weekend in the Kiva: the womb ( portal from one reality into another) of mother earth, a cave, dark and dank; then the symbolic blindfold – the veil between the worlds; next an ascension up a ladder blindfolded; then emerging from the opening in to another portal – that of your own heart - to listen for a deeply individual message. From within I received this message: “Love yourself as you would a beloved. Instead of searching for a beloved, become the beloved.” As each woman received her own message, she shared it with the group, and lit her candle of intention.

Receiving messages through various “mediums” was a definite through-line for the weekend. Water is an effective information transmitter, and at the Celtic well, under the stars: I felt an urge to weep: water, emotions, the moon, the tides, the flow, cleansing, purifying, releasing. Release pain and fear of the past, release distrust, release some of my hermetic privacy so that I may share insights I have gathered on my journey.”

That first evening, we were encouraged to remember our dreams. I dreamt flashes, images: a path through the woods and a wolf.

According to www.birdclan.org/wolf.html: “Wolf is the pathfinder (emphasis added), the forerunner of new ideas who returns to the clan to teach and share medicine. If you were to keep company with Wolves, you would find an enormous sense of family within the pack, as well as a strong individualistic urge, and they live by carefully defined rules and rituals. They are friendly, social, and highly intelligent. Wolves are the epitome of the wild spirit. As you feel Wolf coming alive within you, you may wish to share your knowledge by writing or lecturing on information that will help others better understand their uniqueness or path in life.”
Hmmmm.

The next day, in a visualization guided by Laura-Lea, we were invited to ‘go underground’ to explore secret rooms to find out who we are meant to be in the physical, emotional, and mythic realms. I received images of myself as an alchemist, recording my “findings” based on my life’s experimentations and explorations. I also envisioned a shaman who helps others to learn how to navigate between realities or levels of consciousness. I learned that my voice is the breath, the wind that spreads the seeds of higher consciousness by writing and performing articles, plays, poetry, and songs. I wonder if my biological mother and father ever knew that when they named me Kathryn Gayle, they named me aptly. Kathryn means “purity,” and my middle name, Gayle, means “the singer.” I had always put the two together to mean “the pure singer.”


In the afternoon, the “priestesses” (the other participants and myself) invoked the spirit of each of the four-directions (a Native American tradition.) Initially, I chastised myself for not being able to remember the symbolism of any of the directions, except the North. While facing North, I received his incredible visual of skeletons dancing ecstatically around a campfire at night. As it turns out, the “North” represents bones,
stones, caves, our ancestors. It occurred to me that my ancestors were calling to me.

During another visualization, acting as a scribe for someone else’s meditation, it seemed that many of this participant’s thoughts were similar to my thoughts, and it struck me as she talked about her grandmother, that my grandmother just might be using her to “speak” to me. I don’t even know if I actually believe that this is possible, but the thought struck me in the moment, and as we say in the theater, I “went with it.” This was a
watershed moment, highly significant to me due to the fact that I spent my formative years as a foster child and did not know much about my biological family or their history. Named after my paternal grandmother, Kate O’Shaughnessy, I believe she fled Ireland to escape the potato famine induced by the British, but other than that, I have known nothing solid other than the fact that my family had become splintered and lost to each other. (Ok, so now grandma is calling me, but what does she want?)

On the final morning of the retreat, my sister-goddesses and I entered the Kiva as we had every morning, but this morning I had the sensation that my ankles were being attacked! I scratched them all through the ceremony until they bled. Entering The Star House, I mentioned this oddity to another participant who said, “The ankles have to do with indifference.” OK, so what am I indifferent about? It became clear that I had not previously had any interest in finding out who my grandmother was, this woman whom I was named for. Ashamed of my humble upbringing, I preferred that people saw me as the “dynamic actress,” the free-spirited bohemian, etc. It occurred to me that this thinking has deprived me of possibly the greatest treasure of my life.

I wasn’t seeking treasure when I signed up for this intensive, but that is ultimately what I found. In the piney-wood grove, later that day, leaning against a very old tree, perhaps a “grandmother” itself, I heard: “you have no roots, and you will not grow until you get some.” Suddenly, I had it! It was as if a slew of psychic ingredients had been bubbling in a cauldron, and finally I had the answer! Everything made sense at once. I thought of all the seashells I had seen in the past few weeks. The shells had been a clue, and now I know what they meant. I am to embark on a journey overseas, to the land of my ancestors: Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. I will discover my grandmother’s story, and in doing so, learn my own story and meet the family I never knew. I will write her story and share it with the world so that someone else may see themselves within our story and be inspired to go on a journey, a spiritual Odyssey, with the intention of creating wholeness within. Like concentric circles that flow outward when a pebble is tossed into a pond, it is my hope that my individual, transformation will reverberate in the larger world. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama said: “Although attempting to bring about world peace through internal transformation of individuals is difficult, it is the only way.”

By Kathryn Preston